Osborne and Coulson had become friends after the Screws ran a story, in a classic piece Coulson reverse spin……..

Here’s the story from my book: News of the world? Fake sheikhs and Royal Trappings.

In autumn 2005, just before the annual Tory Party Conference, Screws editor Andy Coulson ran a front page splash…

TOP TORY, COKE AND THE HOOKER

Illustrated with pictures of angel-faced Shadow Chancellor, George Osborne, it claimed that eleven years before, while he was at Oxford, the then flawless Osborne was said, without any convincing corroboration, to have been watched by ‘dominatrix’ hooker, Natalie Rowe, snorting a line of coke. Her boyfriend, an unnamed friend of Osborne’s had gone on to become an addict, the report alleged.

It was, on closer inspection, an archetypal Screws non-story, devoid of any hard content, carefully worded to avoid any serious come-back, but just salacious enough to justify its front page status, and, of course, devoid of any genuine revelations about the politician, beyond the fact that in his youth he’d had a friend who knew a prostitute and who’d become addicted to an unspecified drug.

Now, as the fuss over the non-event of Oleg Deripaska not giving the Tories any money fades away, the Screws feebly try to fan the flames by reviving their fatuous story. This time, one of their hardened old smut writers, Sara Nuwar has cobbled together a string of fresh “quotes” from Natalie, all made up since the original piece appeared three years ago. As always, the “revelations” are full of sloppy non-sequiturs and contradictions. Natalie, a hooker allegedly brought in to brighten up Bullingdon Club meetings (never mentioned in the 2005 story), “tells” Ms Nuwar  ‘I felt an empathy with George because we were both outsiders.’ In the sense that he had been voted into the Bullingdon and she had not?

She offers specious explanations for the other members considering George socially inferior and teasing him, while claiming what great “pals” they all were. Yet again a clumsy attempt is made to connect Osborne with cocaine, without categorically stating he used the stuff. No doubt Natalie met young Osborne at a party for which she’d been engaged as a little erotic light relief, and perhaps she managed to add to whatever purse she received then by taking a few more £K from the Screws for helping to concoct yesterday’s absurd 2-page spread. If she’s lucky, she might get another bite of the cherry if Osborne becomes Chancellor of the Exchequer in a few years time.

In January 2007,  two men working for the News of the World were jailed for illegal phone-hacking, while Hinton was Executive Chairman of Screws owners, News International in London.

He is a deeply experienced, hard-nosed, long-serving, loyal Murdoch henchman. When I was researching for my book, News of the world? Fake Sheikhs & Royal Trappings, I was told by very well placed associates of the then NI chairman that knowledge of the illegal practices at the News of the World would certainly have stretched right up to Les Hinton, and nothing he has said since has convinced me otherwise. When the Commons Culture Media Sport Committee took evidence from him last autumn during their inquiry into the phone-hacking scandal, while denying any knowledge, his nervousness and body-language failed to convince anyone of the innocence he professed of any involvement in the paper’s illegal activities.

The NYT is famously involved in a pretty desperate circulation war with the Wall Street Journal, and to bring about its CEO’s disgrace would be a very useful feather in its cap in a nation which is even more anti-News Corp than this one.

If the police and the two parliamentary committees now involved do manage to make the truth (which is so obvious to all observers) stand up, Les Hinton’s head will be on the railing spikes alongside Andy Coulson’s and that of sacked former managing editor, Stuart Kuttner.

David Cameron is getting most of the stick for his lack of judgement in appointing a man so obviously tainted as Andy Coulson, but it should be remembered that he was reacting to the urging of his then Shadow Chancellor, George Osborne.

Osborne already had a relationship with Coulson, encompassing some apparently bizarre anomalies.  This friendship went back several years, to autumn 2005, just before the annual conference, when Coulson ran a front page splash in the Screws…
   TOP TORY, COKE AND THE HOOKER
   Illustrated with pictures of the then unflawed Shadow Chancellor, it claimed that eleven years before, while he was at Oxford, Osborne was said, without any convincing corroboration, to have looked on while ‘dominatrix’ hooker, Natalie Rowe, snorted a line of coke. Her boyfriend, an unnamed friend of Osborne’s had gone on to become an addict, the report alleged.
   It was, on closer inspection, an archetypal Screws non-story, devoid of any hard content, worded so as to avoid any come-back, but just salacious enough to justify its front page status, and, of course, devoid of any genuine revelations about the politician, beyond the fact that in his youth he’d had a friend who knew a prostitute and who’d become addicted to an unspecified drug.
   When the story appeared, I wasn’t the only one struck, not by the damage that might have been done to the young politician, but by how much good it had done him. After all, the story didn’t say George himself had done anything at all.
   He hadn’t snorted the coke, and he hadn’t taken advantage of the hooker’s professional skills, ‘dominatrix’ or otherwise. But it did make him look, by association, as if he’d lived a little and had a touch of grubby humanity to him, which went a long way to counter the unsexy image of a choir-boy-coiffed, goody-two-shoes, that must have been causing concern in the Party’s image department.
   In a well-constructed profile of Coulson in the Guardian, John Harris noted that Osborne and Coulson had ‘got on well’, even while discussing the Screws ‘exposé’, although, at the time the article was published, the people around Osborne told Harris that he was suffering severe tummy rumbles and telling everyone how upset he was.
   Well, he would, wouldn’t he?
   There’d be little point in constructing a subtle piece of well-spun double-bluff, then rushing around telling people how chuffed about it you were. For this astutely ironic act of spin, Andy established his credentials with Osborne and, at least covertly, made his political allegiance known.
George and Andy were still in touch after Andy’s resignation from the Screws for his role in the Royal phone hacking debacle, and it was then that Osborne persuaded his boss that Coulson was just the man to give the white-tie-and-tails Bullingdon folk some much-needed street cred among the elusive middle ground voters.

            No doubt it was Coulson’s skill in devising sophisticated reverse/negative spin that attracted Osborne and maybe convinced Cameron. A good example of this was evident this year when it was ‘leaked’ that Samantha Cameron had once voted Green as a student.

Pretending  that the leak was alarming to them, Cameron’s camp knew that it certainly hadn’t done any damage and it would do a great deal of positive good in suggesting David Cameron’s broadness of vision and sympathy with those beyond the standard Tory pale.

However, it’s likely that the government will soon have to manage without this gifted manipulator of information, and perhaps William Hague won’t be too sorry about that.

Another aspect of the liability which Osborne represents for his party lies in the origin of his very close relationship with Andy Coulson, the disgraced former editor of the News of the World.
   This friendship goes back several years, to autumn 2005, just before the annual conference, when Coulson ran a front page splash in the Screws…
   TOP TORY, COKE AND THE HOOKER
   Illustrated with pictures of the angel-faced Shadow Chancellor, it claimed that eleven years before, while he was at Oxford, the then flawless Osborne was said, without any convincing corroboration, to have looked on while ‘dominatrix’ hooker, Natalie Rowe, snorted a line of coke. Her boyfriend, an unnamed friend of Osborne’s had gone on to become an addict, the report alleged.
   It was, on closer inspection, an archetypal Screws non-story, devoid of any hard content, worded so as to avoid any come-back, but just salacious enough to justify its front page status, and, of course, devoid of any genuine revelations about the politician, beyond the fact that in his youth he’d had a friend who knew a prostitute and who’d become addicted to an unspecified drug.
   When the story appeared, I remember being struck not by the damage that might have been done to the ambitious young politician, but by how much good it had done him. After all, the story didn’t say George himself had actually done anything at all.
   He hadn’t snorted the coke, and he hadn’t taken advantage of the hooker’s professional skills, ‘dominatrix’ or otherwise. But it did make him look, by association, as if he’d lived a bit and had a touch of grubby humanity to him, which went a long way to counter the unsexy image of a choir-boy-coiffed goody-two-shoes, that must have been causing concern in the Party’s image department.
   In a well-constructed profile of Coulson in the Guardian, John Harris noted that Osborne and Coulson had ‘got on well’, even while discussing the Screws ‘exposé’, although, at the time the article was published, the people around Osborne told Harris that he was suffering severe tummy rumbles and telling everyone how upset he was.
   Well, he would, wouldn’t he?
   There’d be little point in constructing a subtle piece of well-spun double-bluff, then rushing around telling people how chuffed about it you were. For this astutely ironic act of spin, Andy established his credentials with Osborne and, at least covertly, made his political allegiance known.
George and Andy were still in touch after Andy’s resignation from the Screws for his role in the Royal phone hacking debacle, and it was then that Osborne persuaded his boss that Coulson was just the man to give the white-tie-and-tails Bullingdon folk some much-needed street cred among the elusive middle ground voters.

Osborne no doubt sees it as part of his job to get close to people of great wealth and commercial power, as evidenced by his presence in Corfu in Autumn 2008, when he skipped between three monster yachts belonging to the Murdochs, Rupert’s son-in-law Matthew Freud, and Russian mega-oligarch, Oleg Deripaska, from whom he famously failed to extract a donation (while crapping on his old friendship with the mightily oofy Nathaniel Rothschild). He happily allowed himself to be pampered and wooed by Ole Rumplechops and his Titian-tressed larrikin, Rebekah Brooks, while at home Andy Coulson strengthened the bonds between the Tories and News Corp.
   This relationship has been almost irrevocably sealed by the Sun’s conversion to the Conservative cause, the party’s concurrence with Murdoch briefing on the BBC, and the continuing, high risk loyalty being shown to Coulson despite all the outrageous lapses of memory and lacunae of knowledge he displayed in front of the Commons Culture Media & Sport Committee last summer.
   It is this relationship, more than anything Gordon does or doesn’t do, that will do the real damage to Cameron’s electoral chances among the voters that matter – those who take the trouble to scrutinise and weigh the issues before they vote, rather than those who simply vote along tribal lines.
   It’s too late re-instate Ken Clarke where he belongs, which would appease a lot of the wavering conservative support (while the Europhobes will still vote for Cameron, rather than Nigel Farrago.)
   But it’s not too late to ask Coulson to go.
   If the Tories don’t dump him, but still get in, are they ready to risk the great flock of chickens out there, flapping their wings before coming home to roost on Coulson’s back, come the autumn?

I just want to use the headline before the subs on the Sun, the Mirror, or even one of the junior ShagRags get round to it.

The truth is, you see, that like several other thinking folk who ought to know better, I do have a sneaking admiration for the punning art of the tabloid headline writer.

Consider the brutal frankness of the headline that topped a story of Prince Philip dropping a clanger in China, when he asked some British students who’d been there a while if they’d developed slitty eyes…

GREAT WALLY OF CHINA

Or the sports sub who headlined a report of a tiny Scottish league member, Inverness Caledonian Thistle unexpectedly beating the mighty Celtic in (I suppose) a Scottish FA Cup match. The team is known affectionately as ‘Caley’ – pronounced ‘Kally’; the ingenious headline writer produced…

SUPER-CALEY-WERE-FANTASTIC-CELTIC-WERE-ATROCIOUS.

M’dear old friend, Frank Keating is so old that he remembers a headline from the late ‘50s, era of the kitchen sink drama. It headed a frankly minor story which dealt with a shortage of funds in an Essex library leading to a paucity of books on the shelves…

BOOK LACK IN ONGAR

I can think of few jobs I would enjoy more than sitting around thinking up horrible puns to headline tabloid stories, although I imagine doing it every day would pall and lead to some kind of mental disfunction.

When my book News of the world? Fake Sheikhs & Royal Trappings came out, and Mazher Mahmood threatened to sue, I anticipated the headline…

SHEIKH RATTLED AND ROLLED

But although Mazher’s ire was reported, no one used the obvious tag (or never thought of it).

When George Bush fails to invite some notable to his farewell party in the White House, will the Sun say…

SNUBYAH!!

Or when a Premier League footballer breaks his ankle just before the big Boxing Day match…

I’M DREAMING OF A SHITE CHRISTMAS

This headline writing seems to me an underrated art which deserves more recognition than it receives at present, to the extent that I am proposing to set up an award to reflect the skill and ingenuity displayed by its highly paid (probably deeply flawed) practitioners – the Pun of the Year award, which will be known as a POTY.

Sponsors and nominations are very welcome.

What is clear, though, is that Ms Nuwar didn’t read and inwardly digest the email which the Guardian’s Media Monkey tells us Ian Edmondson (Screws news desk boss) has recently circulated to all hacks.

“All interviews are carried out in the following way: 1. Tape the interview.

2. Transcribe word for word the interview. 3. Write the story from these words only.

If it is not on tape, do not file it unless expressly requested by myself (or deputies).”

As the paper has survived for so long by concocting its own version of interviews one wonders how they will ever fill their pages from now on.

During the Max Mosley case last summer, leading NoW smut-wallah Neville ‘Onan the Barbarian’ Thurlbeck admitted in court that he had added quotes to an ‘interview’ with the valiant Woman E (the Screws’ star witness who didn’t show up) after she had signed it off. It seems unlikely that Onan Thurlbeck will change his habits overnight.

But I’m wandering of the point, which is that it was Osborne who brought Andy into the Tory camp to front up their PR campaign– perhaps as a thank-you for helping out in humanizing his image a couple of years before.

Some think it was Andy who did so much for Young Cameron’s public persona last year. Others think it was Henry Macrory, or indeed DC himself, given his own natural charm and practical background in PR.

The question being asked now is: Will Andy be allowed to stay if the Tories win? Or is he too tainted by past errors and (at least by association) misdemeanours while at the helm of the Screws? There are still many media insiders (and I) who think he must have been aware of what was going on before Clive Goodman (his ‘Royal Editor’ at the Screws) and PI Glenn Mulcaire were dispatched for a sojourn at HM’s pleasure.

At the PR Week Awards last week, Coulson was named PR Professional of the Year. Luckily, he was too busy with Osborne’s Corfu faux-pas to pick up the award himself, and wasn’t there to hear the jeers that greeted the announcement.

What price Andy never gets an office in Downing Street?

TOP TORY, COKE AND THE HOOKER

Illustrated with pictures of angel-faced Shadow Chancellor, George Osborne, it claimed that eleven years before, while he was at Oxford, the then flawless Osborne was said, without any convincing corroboration, to have been watched by ‘dominatrix’ hooker, Natalie Rowe, snorting a line of coke. Her boyfriend, an unnamed friend of Osborne’s had gone on to become an addict, the report alleged.

It was, on closer inspection, an archetypal Screws non-story, devoid of any hard content, carefully worded to avoid any serious come-back, but just salacious enough to justify its front page status, and, of course, devoid of any genuine revelations about the politician, beyond the fact that in his youth he’d had a friend who knew a prostitute and who’d become addicted to an unspecified drug.

Now, as the fuss over the non-event of Oleg Deripaska not giving the Tories any money fades away, the Screws feebly try to fan the flames by reviving their fatuous story. This time, one of their hardened old smut writers, Sara Nuwar has cobbled together a string of fresh “quotes” from Natalie, all made up since the original piece appeared three years ago. As always, the “revelations” are full of sloppy non-sequiturs and contradictions. Natalie, a hooker allegedly brought in to brighten up Bullingdon Club meetings (never mentioned in the 2005 story), “tells” Ms Nuwar  ‘I felt an empathy with George because we were both outsiders.’ In the sense that he had been voted into the Bullingdon and she had not?

She offers specious explanations for the other members considering George socially inferior and teasing him, while claiming what great “pals” they all were. Yet again a clumsy attempt is made to connect Osborne with cocaine, without categorically stating he used the stuff. No doubt Natalie met young Osborne at a party for which she’d been engaged as a little erotic light relief, and perhaps she managed to add to whatever purse she received then by taking a few more £K from the Screws for helping to concoct yesterday’s absurd 2-page spread. If she’s lucky, she might get another bite of the cherry if Osborne becomes Chancellor of the Exchequer in a few years time.

Perhaps this reason will emerge in time, long after Mr Osborne’s nonexistent crime has been forgotten (which, I predict will be by next Thursday).

“Today, two thirds of all adults and one third of all children are either overweight or obese. By 2050, on current trends these figures will rise to almost nine in ten adults and two thirds of all children. By then, obesity, which is already responsible for 9,000 premature deaths each year, 58% of all type 2 diabetes, 21% of heart disease and a nine-year reduction in life expectancy, will lead to a seven-fold increase in direct health costs with wider costs to society of around £50bn.”

Over the last century, Chancellors of the Exchequer from all parties have been aware that the taxing things that are bad for us is generally safe political territory. Thus smokers and boozers have contributed largely to the cost of their ultimate, statistically likely hospitalization.

But now one of the burgeoning medical menaces of the 21st Century is obesity – and fatties can still stuff their faces with junk food and build up massive long term problems for the NHS, with impunity while making no additional contribution to the cost of treatment for the inevitable health problems they are inflicting on themselves.

To identify and define those foodstuffs that are largely responsible for creating obesity, and to tax them heavily would go a long way to discouraging the problem. It would work, it would be kind, it would bring in revenue to cover the treatment of those who choose to poison themselves (like the smokers who won’t stop).

If busy Alistair “Northern Rocker” Darling is too windy to do it, maybe George “Choirboy” Osborne will.